It’s not that I don’t like Christmas… Ok, scratch that. I don’t like Christmas. Christmas makes me feel like a hostage held at gunpoint, forced to do and say things I don’t mean: “Got all your shopping done? All ready for Christmas?” Arrrghhh! NO! I am NOT ready for Christmas! I don’t even know what being “ready for Christmas” means. I know what being ready for a tornado means, or a hurricane, or some foreseeable natural disaster. Which is pretty much the way I feel about Christmas: it’s that natural disaster that happens every December. Christmas makes me want to board up the windows, stock up on canned goods and wait it out in the basement.

But to be fair, there are some things I like about Christmas. I like the lights. I like the bizarre ritual of bringing a cold, sappy pine tree into the house and watching the reactions of my pets: Yesssss!! Finally! Indoor plumbing! I like votive candles and cradling a hot spicy drink with a cinnamon stick in it and blowing into it before sipping. I like looking out at snow and having no where to go. I like a fireplace and the smell of wood smoke in the air when I walk outside. I like baking cookies and then eating cookies.

But it seems to me that I don’t need “Christmas” to do these things. What I think I need are some new holidays, holidays that are personally meaningful and that haven’t gotten all gunked up with wrapping paper and over-spending and obligations So here are a few of my proposals.. Please feel free to add your own and write me with your ideas. I really think we need to get this going.

No Clocks Day. People across the country abandon their watches, cover all visible clocks, and turn off anything that chimes the hour. This is the day that everyone is free to follow their own biorthythms: wake up when they’re finished sleeping; leave work when they’re finished working; eat when they’re hungry and not because it’s lunch time. People can do what they feel like doing when they feel like doing it, and not because it’s “time.”

Watching Hawks Day. This is held on the first beautiful day in spring.. All businesses close and people take blankets out into open fields and spend the entire day lying around, watching hawks ride the thermals.

Scar Day. On this day, people all across the country get together to talk about and show each other their scars. They bring food and sit around in little circles and tell the stories of how they were injured and how they healed. Then they eat the food and cry and laugh.

Unapologetically Incompetent Day. The motto for this day is: If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing badly. This is the day when we don’t have to apologize for not being perfect. If we take 15 minutes to parallel park and still jump the curb? So what. If we can’t balance the checkbook? So what. If our parenting skills have landed our kids in therapy? So what. If we haven’t had a date since the turn of the millennium? So what? So what. So what. So what. . (We may need more than one day for this one.)

Dog Day. To assuage the growing epidemic of “dog guilt” everyone can stay home and play with their dog on this day. We can play “stick” and “ball” and “chase” and go on long walks—preferably off-lead.

Warm Socks Day. December 1^st. On this day we appreciate that it’s the little things, like warm socks, that can have the biggest impact on our lives. We celebrate by wearing our craziest socks and giving a pair of warm socks to our loved ones or to anyone who may need them. Businesses all over town participate by putting out “sock bins” where people can donate socks and anyone who needs a pair can take them.

Oh boy, look at the time! Unfortunately, today isn’t No Clocks Day and I’ve gotta run. I’m not even close to being ready for Christmas.