Tragically, I think I have fallen in with the ranks of “The Boring Food People.” Recent evidence? When I bumped into my hair stylist in Wegman's the other day, I started talking to her about the virtues of Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Wheat Bread, instead of how cute her shoes were.

For a few months now I have been doing this "food thing.” I don't want to call it a "diet" because it's not really a diet (even though it probably IS); and I don't want to call it a "detox" either, because that makes it sound like some gastro-intestinal haz-mat dump procedure, and it isn’t that either. What this “food thing” involves is the simple elimination of dairy, sugar and flour from my diet. And why am I doing this? I don’t really know.

It was only going to last for 3 weeks. That’s because I can do anything for 3 weeks. Actually 4 weeks, but let’s not quibble. (See April’s Mt. Home.) And the timing was perfect because it was spring when I started, and what better time for a dietary clean-out-the-pipes thing than spring, right?

That first week was rough, though. Nothing I had on hand was anything I could eat. But after a spendy trip to Wegman’s, I was both psychologically and fiscally committed. I netted so much lettuce-y looking foods you'd think I was raising rabbits. I bought escarole. I bought agave nectar. I bought quinoa (which I can even pronounce now). I bought buckwheat groats and amaranth and even a fennel bulb.

It was hard at first, what with all the chopping and the mincing and the sautéing and the stirring and the angst-y worrying: “Is this what this stuff is supposed to LOOK like? But now I am a complete convert to this dairy-free, wheat-free, sugar-free, whole foods lifestyle. The only trouble is I can’t seem to stop talking about it. I am obsessed with food and shopping and label-reading and if you get me started talking about it, you WILL be sorry. (Just ask Emily, my hair stylist.) And if I happen to show up on your doorstep with a pamphlet and an armload of kale? Just pretend you aren’t home.

I’m not doing this because I have to. I don’t have allergies. I’m not diabetic. I don’t have celiac disease. There isn’t any real reason for me to join the ranks of the fanatical foodies. But since I’ve started eating this way, I feel light and clean and I have more energy than a baby ferret. Something is clearly UP with this food thing.

But the downside is I may be becoming just a teensy bit of a pain in the ass. Evidence? The other night at dinner I asked my hostess, “These glazed veggies? What did you glaze them with?” “Brown sugar,” she said. “Have you ever tried glazing with agave nectar?” I said. Her eyes glazed over.

So you want to know what I ate today (so far)?

1 cup of coffee (half decaf/half regular) with soymilk. (The decaf is Starbuck's Komodo Dragon which is decaffeinated w/o chemicals.)

1 Vans All Natural Wheat-free /Gluten-free blueberry waffle topped with cashew butter, organic mixed berries (frozen but thawed and warmed up) sweetened with a touch of Raw Organic Agave Nectar.

While reading the Sunday Times, I munched on Mary's Gone Crackers (Gluten free, Original flavor).

And now, while I'm writing this and trying to decide what to have for dinner, I am crunching on dry roasted edamame (lightly salted).

Scintillating reading, this, no? But now do you see what I mean?? This is what I have BECOME .

And what’s worse, a big part of me thinks YOU should care about this. Why? I don’t even KNOW! All I know is that I can’t seem to stop TALKING about it. (Or, pressing Caps Lock, apparently.) It’s like there is something in this food that is making me talk about the benefits of amaranth and cold expeller pressed oil, at odd and startlingly inappropriate moments, to anyone who will listen.

And what’s more: there is a big part of me that believes that if everyone started eating quinoa and glazing with agave nectar, the whole world would be a better place, and all of our problems would be solved, including global warming and the mortgage foreclosure catastrophe.

And yesterday? I dumped the petunias and planted lettuce in ALL the flower boxes on the porch.

There is a 12-Step program for this, right

©2008